The Crane Wife
by Cadeja
Summary: "That stupid child, acting without consulting me, acting as if he is immortal." Sima Yi considers some thoughts on Cao Pi while surveying the aftermath of a battle. Companion fic to "This is Why We Fight."


A companion fic for This Is Why We Fight, this takes place before TIWWF and is narrated by Yi. (But, it'd be better if you read TIWWF first.) Set to "The Crane Wife, Part 3" which can be heard at the tumblr linked at my profile, again.

* * *

><p>And under the boughs unbowed<br>**All clothed in a snowy shroud**  
><strong>She had no heart so hardened<strong>  
>All under the boughs unbowed<p>

I am not surprised that it is I who must deal with Zihuan's fool mistake. I survey the terrain of the battlefield Pi had to be _rescued _from. With these open plains, on a chill clear night like this, one can view the red dirt and rock up to the horizon. So there is no way that the boy could not see the mass of forces he charged into. _He did that **stunt** on purpose_. And that _last thought_ bothers so much more than I know it should.

**Each feather it fell from skin**  
><strong>Till threadbare while she grew thin<strong>  
>How were my eyes so blinded?<br>Each feather it fell from skin

_That stupid child_, acting without consulting me, _acting as if he is immortal_. The idiot mistakes that Zihuan makes, when I turn my eyes away from him, only serve to remind me that we are in someways still vulnerable, and that he is sometimes a fool... That is a dangerous combination to be.  
>The messenger I had taken with me taps his foot, becoming restless from being kept out in the cold at this late hour due to my musings. I may as well relive him: "You, scribe, prepare to take note of what I want you to tell our Lord Cao Pi." I wait for him to find his brush before I speak.<br>_What is wrong with that idiot Zihuan, is he is trying to get himself killed before me?_  
>"Our Lord should be cautious next time; and tell him to get his wounds examined soon."<br>He runs off quickly. I can think in privacy again.

**And I will hang my head, hang my head low**  
>And I will hang my head, hang my head low<p>

I repeat that mantra to try and clear my mind, **that today's events should not bother me so**.  
>It doesn't work. That feeling of <em>frustration and <strong>dare<strong> I say helplessness_ will not shake off and let me be. And that is **wrong**, because Zihuan and I are two separate people. My welfare and success are not contingent on him...  
>If he were... to die, I would still live... I am my own separate person, and I could easily still wield power within Wei. Even if Zihuan were no longer there, <em>even if it were only me<em>, I could still succeed. Because we are two separate entities, **_we are not one and the same_**.  
><em>And that knowledge should comfort me, but this night is cold.<em>  
><em>Hmph<em>. I wonder if Pi feels the same. I've actually asked myself that question so often before. I try to find out, sometimes. There are those little impasses, those little shows of disrespect, that I sometimes subtlety give him. He has yet to cut off my head, but that does not necessarily mean anything. But there are the things he _says and does_, sometimes. He is... caring and considerate with me, sometimes, in the way that one would be with a lover.  
>Those times... are nice. I enjoy them, and I enjoy it as I let myself think of them.<br>But that is not what rational decision making is based upon.  
>No, I won't fall to him. I won't capitulate. <em>Because, quite frankly, all these thoughts of <strong>love<strong> and **belonging** and **need** fill me with terror._ How am I to trust him? He says he wants me as a _lover_, I… am certain that he wants me as a new pet.  
>I could be happy as his <em>partner<em>, perhaps. But the only things Zihuan goes after, the only relations he knows, _are with that **menagerie of whores** he keeps about_.  
>What he wants is too different from who I am.<br>For a moment the blasphemous thought passes through my mind: _I could change that, for Zihuan. To be happy.  
><em>I chide myself for having let that thought happen.  
>Because it is absurd. Because it will never happen. Because our relation is business; he is my lord and I am <em>just another part of the empire his father gave him<em>. I'd be an imbecile to think that I could have **_something_** with the Prince  
>of a kingdom at war<br>in which I am  
>a servant.<br>_I refuse to change for the sake of another._

A gray sky, a bitter sting  
>A rain cloud, a crane on wing<br>**All out beyond horizon**  
>A grey sky, a bitter sting<p>

After all, I must feel pride: in myself, in what I've done, in where I will go.  
>No matter what, I must feel pride.<p>

And I will hang my head, hang my head low  
><strong>And I will hang my head, hang my head low<strong>


End file.
